Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
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Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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