I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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