my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
