I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
