Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
