I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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