I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
