3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
