peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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