I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We're using joints as your birthday candles
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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