Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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