Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
