apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
