I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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