he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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