You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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