So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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