Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
