From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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