My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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