it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
there is glitter all over my balls
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
