i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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