You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
