I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
