She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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