Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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