I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
