I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
