So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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