he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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