We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
