saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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