covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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