how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
