I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
