I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
