Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
