She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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