WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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