i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
