I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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