someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
