Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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