you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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