I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
farters have to be the big spoon...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The air taste purple.
Randomize
