I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
