Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
