Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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