Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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