Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
