Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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