Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
